TRUMP CLAIMS VICTORY FOR SAVING THANKSGIVING FROM KURDS
While the rest of the world stood aghast at President Trump’s decision to greenlight Turkey for a Syrian invasion, the master of brilliant strategy revealed his thinking.
Trump stopped by The Lint Screen offices and propped his wingtips up on a desk and told us his rationale behind the Turkey go-ahead.
“I made this decision to save Thanksgiving,” the great one said. “I know how much Americans love turkey, and I want every American to enjoy turkey on Thanksgiving Day.”
The president went on to explain that the country of Turkey is critical to the success of American Thanksgiving.
“A lot of people don’t know this,” he said between sips of Diet Coke, “but turkeys come from Turkey. There’s are parts of Turkey called Butterball, Honeysuckle White, and Fresh Turkey. They grow great birds. Delicious birds. And the deal I made with Turkey’s President Erdogan was simple–– I said, go ahead, my fine strong, manly friend–– invade Syria, kill all the Kurds, let the Russians in, and let all the ISIS prisoners go free. But in return, I want turkeys for America! And some Turkish taffy. Banana flavored. I like banana. And maybe a Turkish towel. White. He agreed. It was such a good deal. An amazing deal.”
Trump is obviously proud of the terrific deal he negotiated, and he explained more about his rationale.
“Nasty Nancy whined about us not supporting the Kurds,” he said. “Why should I be nice to the Kurds? The Kurds are bad people. Very bad. They’ve done some awful things. And they were planning to invade Turkey and wipe out all the turkeys for our American Thanksgiving. Imagine Thanksgiving without turkey? Not on my watch!”
Trump shakes his head in disbelief, then continues.
“And as for ISIS, that’s no big deal. ISIS terrorists will just go home to Europe. They will probably retire. I defeated ISIS. No one else could have done that. But I did it. ISIS knows the battle is over. Trump wins! Game over. No more terrorism!”
The president took his shoes off the desk, threw his empty Diet Coke can at a journalist, and stood up.
“I am doing a great job being president. Everyone says so. You’re welcome, America. Enjoy Thanksgiving, and give thanks to me.”
Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.
He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).