TRUMP DECLARES VICTORY: “A TREMENDOUS LANDSLIDE–– PEOPLE LOVE ME”

President Donald J. Trump is a man who loves shattering norms. His latest conquest? The American election system.

Today the president invited The Lint Screen to The White House and claimed he won the 2020 presidential election “hands down. A tremendous landslide victory.” Asked how that was possible when the election day is not until November third, the president became irate.

“We can’t wait until November, it’s too dangerous,” Trump said. “We have all these phony ballots flooding the mail system. You know the ballots are fake. Everyone knows they’re fake. The entire vote by mail thing is a hoax. The Democrats are working with the deep state trying to deny me my rightful victory. I couldn’t let that happen. For the good of the country, I decided to cut to the chase and give the people what they want, what they demand–– Trump! People love me!“

Surrounded by his family members and close friends in the Oval Office, the president celebrated his alleged victory.

“Dad really crushed Biden,” Don Jr. boasted. “Buried him. Biden didn’t even get one vote.”

“That’s right, Donnie boy,” Trump flashed two thumbs up.

“Loverboy sweet lips won all fifty states easily,” Ivanka Trump said as her father slipped his right hand on her left buttock and winked at her. “He’s a very powerful man,” she said looking at her grinning father.

“Yes I am, babydoll,” the president cooed.

“I’m proud to be a member of the president’s cabinet,” said Jared Kushner.

“My dad’s really important,” said Eric Trump. “He said he’s going to get me a pony, and I can have pony rides whenever I want!”

“I was just kidding about the pony, Eric,” Trump said. “Don’t be a sucker.” The son’s lips trembled and he ran out of the room sobbing.

“Be nice to Eric, Donald,” Melania said as she slipped on her diamond tiara. “He is very fragile.”

Chief of Staff Mark Meadows was elated at the news of the election.

“The president is the greatest leader America has ever had,” Meadows said. “Thanks to his decisive landslide victory, all the GOP candidates on the ticket were also easily elected. And all the Democrats will immediately be removed from Washington. They’re troublemakers.”

“So now we have Congress, the Senate, and The White House,” Trump beamed. “After I put a stooge on the Supreme Court, we’ll have that, too. And my first order of business will be abolishing all these stupid elections. They waste too much money and energy. We’ll scrap democracy for a good old fashioned monarchy. Look around this room–– the Trump family has some fantastic bench strength. We can lead America incredibly well into the future.”

Don Jr. accidentally poked his right eyeball with a pen, tripped on his feet, and fell hitting his head on the Resolute desk as Tiffany jumped up and down, waving her arms to get her father’s attention. He ignored her and cuddled closer to Ivanka.

“Hop up on daddy’s lap, sugar,” he said to his blond daughter he calls the hot one. “We need to celebrate.”

Jared Kushner’s lips trembled and he ran out of the room sobbing.

Sen. Mitch McConnell slithered across the floor with his forked tongue piercing the air along the way as Sen. Lindsey Graham puckered his lips in hopes of the president mooning him. Attorney General William Barr also puckered his lips in anticipation.

It was business as usual in The White House.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.