TRUMP DEMANDS AMERICANS WORSHIP HIM THIS WEEKEND
President Donald Trump has been called The Chosen One, and like Moses returning from Mount Sinai with the Ten Commandments, he has decreed it is time his people return to places of worship.
“We can’t allow this pandemic cause us to lose our faith,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “All Americans must return to their churches, synagogues, and other religious places, and pray for me.”
He nods his head to Jared Kushner, standing by the light switch. The Boy Wonder dims the lights as Stephen Miller, standing on a high ladder, trains a spotlight on the president. He hits him with a high beam as Trump raises his arms to heaven, lifts his head, and speaks.
“Oh, dear Father, hear thy Chosen One,” he says reverently. “For the fake news has been very rude to your humble servant. They ask him nasty questions. Some reporters are women. Very nasty women. They are non-believers, people of little faith who fact check me. They do not believe my sacred word. Very unfair. The Democrats work with the Chinese and develop a coronavirus; they release it unto the world. And the fake news blames me. Smite them, I say. Smite them all to hell! The media should blame the governors–– it’s their responsibility, not mine. I have done a great job. A perfect job. Everyone says so.”
Kushner turns the lights back on as Stephen Miller transforms into a bat and flutters away. Trump lowers his arms and head, takes a deep inhale, and resumes as a mere mortal, not a divine entity.
“I want my people to gather in my name this weekend,” he says. “I want places of worship packed to the rafters. And I demand all Americans worship me and pray hard for my re-election. For if my flock loses me, they will be lost, wandering the desert until Satan and Hillary take their souls.”
The Chosen One is asked about the dangers of his worshippers not practicing social distancing in church. Trump bristles.
“If some people get the virus and die, that’s on God, not me. Blame Him.”
Trump raises his arms again and looks upward.
“Oh, heavenly Father, bestow upon me a bucket of KFC, large mashed potatoes, extra gravy, and a bundt cake!”
He goes to his desk and waits for his manna from heaven.
“Proclaiming gets me hungry,” he says.
Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.
He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).