TRUMP FIRES MEDICAL SCIENCE, WILL RELY ON “MY BRAIN AND GUT TO KEEP AMERICANS HEALTHY”
President Trump loves America, and he is disappointed medical science has failed its citizens.
“All these so-called experts are big phonies,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “I listened to Dr. Fauci and all his stupid eggheads. And what happened? Now we have over 100,000 Americans dead. Well, that’s on them, not me. Obama, too. I accept no responsibility for their mistakes.”
The president has decided to take a new tack in the war on “the pandemic hoax”–– to rely on what has performed miracles in the past–– himself!
“I have been an incredibly successful businessman,” he crowed. “All my life, I’ve had the Midas touch. I’m worth over $140 billion. I had the best ratings in TV history on The Apprentice. No one has ever seen the kind of numbers I got. Viewers loved me.”
And he rode his juggernaut of fame all the way into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
“No one thought I could win the presidency, but I had over 94% of the popular vote, and I got 1,000 electoral college votes.” He beams with pride. “No one’s ever seen such a huge landslide. No wonder I had the largest inauguration crowd ever. It made Obama’s look like a Tupperware party.”
His eyes glaze as the portly president fondly recalls his past accomplishments, then, he snaps to attention.
“And how did I do all those amazing things?” he asks. “I’ll tell you. My brain and gut. And that’s what I’m going to use to keep Americans healthy.”
He announced he will ignore all medical science. “We tried that, and it was a disaster. Horrible. From now on, I’m going to use my massive brain and great gut instinct.”
Mike Pence nods his head in agreement.
“Great idea, boss–– I mean, your excellency,” the veep chirps, as he drops to his knees and begins tongue lashing Trump’s wingtips.
“Not now, Mike.” Trump gives Pence a hard kick in his skull. The milquetoast man yelps as he scampers out the door. Trump continues.
“I want all Americans to know I am going to fight for them,” Trump says. “I’ve talked to Franklin Graham, Mike Huckabee, and a lot of the other Jesus kook Bible thumpers, and they’re going to say a bunch of prayers for the pandemic to go away. And I’m confident it will. The coronavirus will miraculously disappear, just like I predicted.”
Trump pumps his chest out as his belly oozes over his belt.
“My brains and gut,” the morbidly obese man says as he points to his head and stomach. “That’s what’s going to save America.”
Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.
He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).