TRUMP PROPOSES REDUCED POSTAGE FOR HOLIDAY PACKAGES

In an effort to unite the country during these troubled times, President Trump thinks we should give a present to generous people.

“The Christmas season is coming up,” the president told The Lint Screen, “that means a lot of mailing for gift givers. While my economy is the best ever in American history, an incredible economy, I think people shouldn’t be taxed for being generous and sending others special Christmas presents. So I am asking Congress to pass legislation that will give people who mail many, many packages a discount on their postage.”

Trump has railed against the mainstream media (“FAKE NEWS”) for dividing our country.

“What we’re seeing now is horrible,” the Trumpinator said. “I’ve got Mueller’s ridiculous witch hunt, and I have the media out to get me. They’ll do anything to not give me credit for the great job I’m doing. They do their stupid fact-checking — their facts, not mine — and they make up fake news. It’s disgusting. Fox News is the only channel that tells the truth. Thank God for patriots like Sean Hannity.”

Trump pointed to a Bible on his desk. “God wrote that. It’s a good book. It’s no Art of The Deal, but it really is a very good book.” Then he continued.

“I am a great uniter, everyone says so. I’m a man who works to make peace. Always a kind word for everyone. I warn people about dangers. I want others to follow my lead and be like Santa Claus. I’m encouraging Americans to send special packages to people they disagree with. Share gifts that will bring us together. And if Congress does their job, the postage will be much more affordable for people to share their love.”

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).