Trump Reveals Solution To Opioid Crisis

President Donald J. Trump recently declared the opioid epidemic a “health emergency.” While this move won’t earmark federal funds for opioid addiction treatments or negotiating lower prices for Naloxone, an opioid overdose drug, he proposed a bigger and bolder idea to nip the problem in the bud.

He called The Lint Screen to discuss his breakthrough, dramatic plan.
TELEPHONE RING
TLS: The Lint Screen, where fake news gets real.
DJT: This is the most powerful man in the world.
TLS: Jeff Bezos?
DJT: No, stupid — President Trump.
TLS: Oh. Have you heard about any Amazon Cyber Monday specials? I was looking for a —
DJT: Shut up. I had a great idea. A big, bold, brilliant, tremendous idea for eliminating opioid addiction.
TLS: Uh huh. What is it?
DJT: Advertising.
TLS: Advertising?
DJT: Advertising. I’ll run an ad campaign telling people not to take opioids. Then, they’ll stop taking opioids and the crisis will be solved. Incredibly smart, right?
TLS: You mean an ad campaign like Nancy Reagan’s Just say no to drugs?
DJT: Just say no to drugs — hey, that’s good!
TLS: It ran for many years.
DJT: Did it work?
TLS: Well, it ran in the eighties, and I think people are still using drugs, so–
DJT: It failed! Horrible failure. Sad. Awful. Just say no is too wishy-washy. My campaign will be: Don’t do drugs or you’ll die! Incredible, right? Powerful.
TLS: I guess so.
DJT: Don’t do drugs or you’ll die! will work because it tells you exactly what happens if you disobey my command. You die! That’s on you. Your death is your fault for not listening to your president, who had the largest inauguration crowd ever, and has done more for America in nine months than all other presidents combined. And, who has an amazingly smart brain that he keeps inside his skull because it’s made of bones. Very strong protection, bones.
TLS: Uh huh.
DJT: I did incredibly well in school. Ivy league education. Excellent grades. Wrote very good papers, excellent. Perfect papers. Lots of words, incredible punctuation. The best commas and periods. Got gold stars on my papers. Amazing stars. Shiny, pointy.
TLS: You actually think your Don’t do drugs or you’ll die ad campaign will work?
DJT: Absolutely. One hundred percent. Can’t-miss. It’s a slam dunk. The opioid crisis will be solved in no time. Then we can get on to bigger issues, like Hillary.
TLS: It might be tougher than you think getting people to quit opioids. Maybe it’d be a good idea to give some federal funds for addiction treatment.
DJT: No. You’re wrong. Addicts just need some tough love, some straight talk. They’ll listen and they’ll get off the goof. After they see my ads, they’ll straighten up and fly right.
TLS: Sounds like you’ve got the opioid epidemic all figured out.
DJT: Absolutely. That’s what leaders do — lead. I’ll stop drugs for once and for all. See, I’m better than Reagan. Way better. Even better than Lincoln, he got shot, you know.
TLS: Was there anything else?
DJT: Yes, I wanted to talk about little rocket man and, hey, there’s a squirrel in that tree — gotta run! 

CLICK.

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Patrick Scullin is an empathetic adman and founder of ASO Advertising.

He has two blogs: Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification) and The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements).