Trump's Putin Cheat Sheet Leaked Like A Pee Tape
The Donald is meeting privately with the Vladinatornext week, and the sucking sound you hear is the world’s collective fearful gasp of disbelief.
When two leaders from nuclear superpowers meet, it’s news. When there is no one there to bear witness, it’s like all the trees have fallen in the forest and our hearing aids are cranked to 11.
Through diligent investigative journalism (and forking over some Four Roses Bourbon and a couple of joints), The Lint Screenhas obtained the official ‘discussion topics’ for President Trump when he meets with the beady-eyed ruthless Ruski bastard.
(Excuse me, the doorbell rang, and there’s a delivery. Hey, look — it’s a powder from Russia. A body talc, perhaps? Let me open it. It smells kind of funny. Ewwwwww, I don’t feel so good…)
EDITOR’S NOTE: The brave, dim-witted reporter rubbed the mysterious Russian powder all over his body, then up and died like Bojangle’s dog. To meet our deadline, this hard scrapple newsman will now detail the list of topics Trump will discuss with Putin. Someone’s got to win Pulitzers around here!
THINGS TO TALK ABOUT WITH POOTIE
- Do you think I’m the greatest president ever? Many people are saying that — I’m just wondering if you agree.
- I heard you invaded Georgia. Do you have any plans on invading Alabama? South Carolina?
- You’re my friend, right?
- That Kim Jong-Unis a bit of a nutcase. Do you think he likes me? I said he was very smart and talented, so he should like me, right?
- If I help Russia, can we build a Trump Tower next to the Kremlin? That’s prime real estate. It would do very good business, I’m sure.
- Did you hear about my Supreme Court pick? I was very presidential. Everyone says so.I was very impressive. Did an outstanding job.
- Europe and Canada are bad — am I right? And Merkel, she’s like maybe a 2, if that. Very poor leader, not camera ready.
- Would you like a DVD collection of my years on “The Apprentice”? I was the best. I think you’d like it. I had a catch phrase. I won’t tell you what it was; you’ll have to watch to find out. That’s called a cliffhanger…
- Do you think Ivanka’s a hottie? I do. An incredible woman, very beautiful.
- Can we go and ride horses with no shirts on? It will make an excellent photo op. I’ve been dieting, looking good.
- You didn’t meddle in the 2016 elections, right? I told everyone that you never would do that. I said they were stupid to suspect you, but they wanted me to ask anyway. The investigation is the worst witch huntin history, believe me.
- About that tape of the Russian girls and me, can I get it back and will you destroy all the copies? Please?
- How can I help you? I can be very helpful.
Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) is a founder of ASO Advertisingand recently left the ad game to be a full-time writer, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.
Thanks for reading.