TRUMP SAYS “LINCOLN IS VASTLY OVERRATED; I’M DOING MUCH BETTER AT LEADING THE NATION”
One of the things Americans love about President Donald Trump is his humbleness. Yesterday, after fielding softball questions from Fox News anchors, the prez sat with The Lint Screen and let down his hair.
“A lot of people think Lincoln was the greatest American president,” said the blond one, “but I think they’re wrong. All Lincoln did was free the slaves. Okay, I’ll give him that. But I told freedom-lovers in Michigan, Minnesota, and Virginia to enjoy their liberty and go back to work. And they all grabbed their guns, dressed up like soldiers, and protested. They did what I said. Now, that’s real leadership!”
Trump thinks history has been too kind on Lincoln.
“The press was very easy on Lincoln,” he said. “He never had to deal with the viciousness of the fake news media like me. They are very unfair to me. They never recognize how I built the world’s greatest economy and made America great again. I inherited a country in shambles from Obama. People were dying in the streets. Executive bonuses were an embarrassment, and companies paid money in taxes they could have used for stock buybacks. The army had guns but no bullets–– they were using pieces of potatoes, throwing rocks. Unemployment was something like 80%. I changed all that. I fixed the country. Then the Chinese and Democrats invented coronavirus as a weapon to make me look bad.”
The president shakes his head. “But I proved them wrong. Obama left me no pandemic plan, no vaccine. Nothing. The medical experts were predicting America would have 280-300 million coronavirus deaths, but thanks to my decisive action, leadership, and smart medical advice like injecting disinfectant for cleaner lungs, I think we’ll keep it down to 80,000 to 100,000. That means I’ve saved 300 million American lives. So even if we lose five million people, I’ve still saved 295 million. Lincoln never did anything as impressive as that. And I even wrote checks to Americans, giving them money for things like food, shelter, medicine. Lincoln never did anything like that.”
Trump thinks history has been kind on Lincoln out of liberal guilt.
“If Lincoln didn’t get himself assassinated by Lawrence Welk Booth,” the leader of the free world opined, “I seriously doubt history would even remember him. I don’t know, maybe. He wore that stupid big hat and had a beard. Abe had a distinctive look; I’ll give him that. But as for his performance as president, I think Lincoln is vastly overrated; I’m doing much better at leading the nation in troubled times than he did. But people don’t appreciate the tremendous job I’m doing. Americans should be pledging allegiance to me daily. They really should. I deserve it.”
Trump paused and looked up at the Lincoln Monument statue.
“They better build a statue of me that’s ten times bigger than Lincoln’s. I deserve it,” he said. “I’ll talk to Mitch and Lindsey about getting one for me before the end of summer.”
Ivanka Trump came running up the steps and jumped onto her daddy’s lap as the president beamed.
“Did Lincoln have a daughter this absolutely gorgeous?” he asks.
Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.
He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).