VEEP PROCLAIMS VICTORY OVER CORONAVIRUS, “AMERICANS ARE SAVED!”

The other day, our mighty president gave a commanding press conference about the threat America faced in the global coronavirus epidemic. Being a great leader, he delegated responsibility for battling the coronavirus to his vice president Mike Pence, the Robin to his Batman.

Pence called The Lint Screen today and proclaimed victory!

“America is safe, Americans are saved,” the Veep said with his charismatic smile and devil-may-care charm. “I brought in a higher authority to perish this plague.”

Pence says he and his wife, Mother, assembled a prayer group of close friends from their church to address coronavirus.

“When I was governor of Indiana, we abolished HIV,” he said. “We also prayed away their gay. Now Indiana is only heterosexuals. And married couples are only allowed to perform the missionary position when the devil stirs up the sinful ways of their loins.”

The vice president says he has “an excellent relationship with God,” and is also on good terms with his Heavenly Father.

“My trusted relationship with the president enabled me to get a direct line to the Lord Almighty. After all, President Trump is The Chosen One put on Earth to bring us eternal salvation. We are truly blessed to have him lead us through the desert of sin and into the warm embrace of armageddon.”

Pence and the president have decided to shut down the Centers for Disease Control and the National Institutes of Health, diverting their funding to the construction of the wall.

“Those health organizations are wasting money on scientific research. They believe the answers to problems are in a microscope. All these doctors believe in science, which is Satan's witchcraft–– science is a manmade religion. Only pagans put faith in science. I believe the answers come from above, and the big man in the Oval Office said he would look after his people and protect us.”

Pence bowed his head and gave thanks for Donald J. Trump.

“If not for him, I think we would all be in grave danger. He is a great man, and I am proud to grovel at his feet. He and I both know that God will grant us a miracle and make the evil germs go away.”

With that, Pence reached into a wooden box and took out poisonous snakes. He invited this reporter to handle one, and the scribbler cried like a smacked infant and ran away.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).