Paul "Pablo" Croubalian en Lifestyle, Professions, Workers, Careers, English Independent Authorized Agent of Pivotal Payments • Independent Authorized Agent of Pivotal Payments and others (beBee Ambassador) 9/7/2018 · 4 min de lectura · 1,1K

MisAdventures in Mid-Life Dating, the Male View: The Ambush

MisAdventures in Mid-Life Dating, the Male View: The AmbushI think my re-entry into the dating world would make a good sitcom. Or maybe it would make a better slapstick comedy routine. 

Then again, sometimes it looks more like a Shakespearean tragedy except that there have been no deaths.



Yet. . .

The Ambush

Wendy has been a friend since college days. Wendy and Bill, her husband, are avid golfers. (Not their real names)

A few weeks back, Wendy called to ask if I'd be interested in a threesome. 

Get your mind out of the gutter. 

"Threesome" only sounds naughty if you don't play golf. The Game is played in groups of two, three, or four -- twosomes, threesomes, and foursomes. Wendy, Bill and I would make a threesome.

Stop giggling.

Anyway. . .

I recently returned to the game after a long absence so I readily agreed. I no longer play to a 6 handicap (mid to high 70s), but my game is still respectable. I was looking forward to it.

Bill and I were warming up, hitting balls on the practice range when I remarked that we should probably go looking for Wendy. Our tee time was coming up.

Bill said, "No need. The girls know we're over here." 

WTF? 

Wendy may no longer be the slender 22-year-old I first met, but there's certainly no reason to refer to her in the plural. 

Bill's face spoke volumes as he sputtered. His face turned a lovely shade of aubergine.

"Oh, Shit! Wendy's gonna kill me. Act surprised, man, PLEASE!"

"Surprised" wasn't the term I had in mind. This wasn't a set-up. It was an effing ambush. My mood darkened with every passing second. I considered feining an injury or sickness so I could leave immediately. 

Non-golfers need to understand that a game of golf can take five hours or more. If the set-up went badly, as most are wont to do, we'd be stuck together for that entire time. 

"C'mon, Paul. Help a brother out. Trust me. You'll like her. Everybody does. Just fucking act surprised, Okay."

Anger is close enough to surprise, and I was fuming.

"That shouldn't be a problem." 

I took my anger out on the golf balls. My practice drives lengthened by 30 yards. The aggravation was triggering a nicotine fit. In turn, that triggered more aggravation. 

My drives lengthened by another 25 yards.

As I turned to refill my bucket of practice balls, I saw Wendy turning the corner towards us. A Goddess walked with her.

I should probably mention that I have two "types." My first wife was a tall leggy blonde with boobs. My second was a petite curvy brunette with boobs. 

You may notice a pattern.

The Goddess was a tall leggy, curvy, auburn-haired woman with boobs.

When I call Colleen -- "Call me Coco" -- a Goddess, I am not exaggerating. Her beauty is almost painful to look at directly. She's like the female equivalent of a solar eclipse. You need to build one of those whatchamacallit contraptions to avoid having your eyes burned clean out of their sockets if you look directly at her.

Think of Cindi Crawford's classically beautiful face, add double Ds, no mole, long, wavy, dark auburn hair, luscious legs that go all the way up to her throat, and about six feet tall. You'll come pretty close to Coco. 

Coco doesn't look 30 although Wendy swears she's 43. That's two years younger than my bottom limit, but not enough to quibble about. Why is it that no one is aging but me?

Coco loves to cook and bake and was excited to meet a trained Chef and Pastry Chef. She's also an excellent golfer. There's really something awesome about the female form in an athletic activity, especially that particular female form. Her swings were poetry in motion -- just beautiful. It was even more impressive when she would bend over to tee up a ball.

Hey, I may be an old guy, but I'm still a guy.

Oh Maman, vient chercher ton p'tit gars. (Translation from the Quebecois French: Directly -> Oh Mama, come get your little boy. Colloquially ->Holy Crap! I'm in trouble!)

Don't get me wrong. I own a mirror. I know this woman is so far out of my league that I doubt we're even of the same species. That seems to happen a lot lately.

Something wasn't kosher here.

As Coco was teeing up balls and hitting them while causing all proximate activity to immediately cease, Wendy noticed I was watching her and took that as a good sign. 

Well, not really an earth-shattering surprise. . . blind men stare at Coco. 

Wendy filled me in on Coco's background.

Coco was 43, divorced 4 times (huh?), and completely single, and unattached. She was very lonely but hadn't dated much for three years (WTF?). She would get asked out often but rarely for a second date and hardly ever for a third. (WTFFF) Editor's Note: WTFFF stands for "What the fuckityfuckfuck?"

Something really wasn't kosher here.

Coco had trust issues with men. All four husbands cheated on her. Huh? I doubt they found better-looking or more attractive women. I doubt any such exist.

Something really, really wasn't kosher here

Let's be honest... There are very few faults that will override that insane level of hotness. Us guys are not all that deep. Most guys will forgive just about anything to a woman even half that hot. . . and yet, 4 guys cheated on her, and two filed to divorce her.

Something really, really, really wasn't kosher here.

The mystery was solved by the fourth hole. 

I admired Coco's form (both the golf swing meaning and the more traditional meaning) through the first three holes. I lost interest by the fourth. 

Call the elapsed time as 35 to 40 minutes.

I've had more scintillating conversations with eggplants. . . while I was making parmesan. Then again, maybe she's just very shy. She was very up to date on celebrity gossip... a topic I have zero interest in. Who the hell are the Housewives of Beverly Hills and why should I give a fig? 

(Feel free to substitute another word for "fig.")

Or, maybe she had little to no interest in me. She did, however, write her phone number on my arm, saying, "There, now you'll never lose it. Call me." 

Really, am I the only guy who showers regularly?

High intelligence and extreme beauty are not mutually exclusive. There are plenty of beautiful, brilliant women. Just look at Melissa Hughes, Lupita Reyes, Claire Caldwell, Katyan Roach, Denise Barry, and Candice Galek. That's just a few from just this platform. 

I don't really need that much intelligence melded with that much beauty, but I do need a woman I can carry on a conversation with. If anything, I'd gladly trade beauty for intelligence.

Hey, it's not like people mistake me for Brad Pitt, you know,

I have no idea why Wendy thought Coco and I would be a good match. Maybe it was Coco's golf game, she beat me by three strokes. That part of the "date" was actually very good. Then again, I spent a good chunk of my "date" with Coco chatting on Messenger with Diana Ewert, a friend of Claire Caldwell's in South Africa. 

Gorgeous just ain't enough.  If I just want something pretty and shiny to hang on my arm, I'll buy a Rolex.

That doesn't mean I won't play golf with Coco. She plays very well and dramatically improves the scenery. At least this time I got a golf buddy.

I think I added her to my contacts. 

I hope so. I've already washed her number off my arm.

Cheers




#15 LOL, true, Coco does cook, but then again, I have a hard time staying out of the kitchen. When we met up we did make those cinnamon buns that I use as my Facebook background image.

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Wayne Yoshida Hace 5 d · #15

Yes @Paul "Pablo" Croubalian - this can make a great show. . . . looking forward to more of your golfing and - other adventures. BTW, don't forget about Coco's cooking skills, which are another pair of interests you two share.

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Cyndi wilkins Hace 5 d · #14

#11 I can sympathize with those women who seemed to get 'cheated' in the boob department...As a matter of fact, I was standing in that same line too;-) But we are blessed in soooooo many other ways!

#13 I'm so glad 'Coco' found my comment funny...as was my intention...I certainly meant no disrespect to her. I look forward to her return appearance in another post...Perhaps you two could have a playful dialogue...Like a 'He said, She said'...Sounds like the ingredients for a new hive;-)

BTW...I love your new profile pic;-)

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#12 High praise, indeed, coming from you @Paul Walters. I think The next installment may be a response to @Cyndi wilkins and a discussion of the whole friends-with-benefits thing.

FYI: Coco was the only person who was ok with me using her real name in these posts. She will be making a return appearance in the next post. . . No, NOT as a friend-with-benefits. She found Cyndi's comment funny.

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Paul Walters Hace 5 d · #12

@Paul "Pablo" Croubalian Ok I'm ready for episode 2

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#10 Funny enough, the woman I've seen a few times since does seem to match the "less attractive (although that's in the eye of the beholder) and brilliant" thing. Perhaps not flat but not generous in that department, either. (yes, I passed this text by her before posting it)

Apparently, my "types" don't work out for me

FYI: I'm out in the boonies now cooking at a summer camp for at-risk youth. Coco and I have a tee time with "Wendy and Bill" for the 21st when I'm back in town for a weekend

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Cyndi wilkins Hace 6 d · #10

#9 Yeah...I get that...and I'm glad you give yourself and your guy friends more credit...We all can appreciate a hot body...but if she was brilliant, not very attractive and pardon me for mentioning, FLAT...would you have given her the time of day? Probably not...But this one was 'a goddess' so she captured your attention immediately...And she's an excellent golfer...right? Common interest and you seemed to enjoy watching her drive;-)

"There's really something awesome about the female form in an athletic activity, especially that particular female form. Her swings were poetry in motion -- just beautiful. It was even more impressive when she would bend over to tee up a ball."

Okay then...So there's something physical you can do and enjoy each other's company without hopping into bed...depends on the 'relationship' you're after...So she's no Einstein...big deal. You guys could probably have a lot fun together just being 'golfing buddies.' Maybe she can teach you how to improve that stroke;-) Lol! Just don't think of it as dating...and you never know, she could surprise you.

Nice to see your sense of humor shining through!! We've missed you around these parts;-)

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#8 Well, Cyndi, there's a lot more to any relationship, even a friends-with-benefits than just hotness. Unless it's strictly physical, (and I really question the utility of that) at some point you need to get out of bed.

At least four other guys (ex-husbands) agree with me. Come to think of it, all the first-date-only guys and the not-more-than-two-dates guys also seem to agree.

I guess us guys may not be all that deep, but many of us aren't very shallow either.

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