True Confessions: A Chef's Guilty Pleasures

Randall Burns" post. I shared it around. Many people told me, "Yeah, well, you guys are trained chefs! You always eat fancy-pants stuff."

No, we don't, although I do feel slightly hypocritical saying that.

I made eggs benedict for breakfast.

That doesn't invalidate the following confessions. If anything it strengthens them.

I described Randall's post as "culinary erotica." Sometimes, we chefs just want down-and-dirty, hard-core culinary porn.

Chefs love food. We love its taste. We love the way it looks. We love its smell. Sometimes, we can't bring ourselves to do what needs be done. 

Sometimes, it's better to forgo the culinary arts and dive headlong into street food, the trashier the better.

So, no, we don't just eat fancy-pants stuff. 

At least I don't. True, I scaled back quite a bit when I started my diet. I'm down 60 pounds (about 25kg). I need to stay away from this stuff lest I gain it all back.

That doesn't mean I can't indulge occasionally.

Greasy Delivery Pizza

In the Montreal area, chains and franchises exist, but the traditional Mom & Pop pizza joints still survive and thrive. You know the ones I mean. They are the pizza joints that deliver to your home in big cardboard boxes. Forget about recycling those boxes. They are permeated with the grease rendered out of an overload of pepperoni.

I usually make my own pizza. I can't bring myself to make a super-greasy, health-consciousness-be-damned, delicious beast that I get from my favorite delivery joints.

In my area, (St-Eustache, a northern suburb of Montreal), the best is Daytona Pizza followed closely by Pizza du Vieux St-Eustache. 

If you are ever around here, try either. Just know that Daytona only accepts cash. They get away with that because their pizza is that good. 

If you are closer to the downtown area, run over to B&M Pizza in NDG (Notre Dame de Grace). Their pizza is unbelievable. Are you still visiting in NDG, Anne 🐝 Thornley-Brown, MBA? 

I do love my pizza. I once drove 2 hours to get to Village Pizza in North Hero, Vermont. The guy at the border thought I was nuts until I mentioned where I was going for pizza. He knew it and understood. 

I brought him back a slice.

Steamed Hot Dogs and Fries

I'm not talking about the kosher-style dogs, although those are yummy too. (Don't fall over, but I think Costco has great hot dogs.) I mean plain old steamed hot dogs. I like mine, "moutarde, choux, et du fort," that's mustard, coleslaw, and cayenne pepper. 

Two things define steamie greatness. The coleslaw and the french fries (chips for you Brits) that accompany the dog.

French fries are a strange beast. They need to be cooked twice. The first time is to cook them through, the second time is to make them crispy. The first cook should be at about 275F. The second is at 375-400F. Try to cook them just once and you get a very dark, floppy fry with some uncooked parts. Yuch.

The exception to the double-cooking: MacDonald's fries are not double cooked. They are so skinny they don't have to be.

In Quebec, we also have poutine. That's french fries, topped with curd cheese and slathered with gravy. I'm not a fan. I confess to sometimes ordering "frites sauce." That's french fries slathered with gravy. It's sort of like a poutine without the curd cheese.

For years now, the Montreal Pool Room has been dubbed Montreal's best steamie place. They share the crown, back and forth with Victory Hot Dog on University street, right downtown. 

I beg to differ. 

If you're in Montreal try them, but head to the 'burbs to try Decarie Hot Dog in Ville St-Laurent. They also have the best club sandwich in the whole freaking world. If you go, tell, Nick. "Hi." for me if he's there.

Montreal-Style Smoked Meat 

I wouldn't even try to make Montreal-style smoked meat at home. 

New York and Montreal are sister cities in the sense that they were the two primary ports of entry into North America for Eastern European immigrants. That was at the turn of the 20th century.

Naturally, those immigrants brought their culinary history with them. Over time, the traditional recipes morphed. New York wins hands-down when it comes to cheesecake. I just don't like the 6-inch high Montreal version. 

A New York egg shortage in the 20s brought New York-style water bagels into existence. Before that, they were both Montreal-style egg bagels. Montreal-style bagels kick New York-style bagels in the nads.

I don't know how Montreal Smoked Meat become New York Pastrami. It isn't even fair to compare them. They just aren't even all that closely related. 

Smoked meat sandwiches are another thing whose greatness is partially defined by the fries that accompany it. Great smoked meat with crappy fries is crappy smoked meat.

True smoked meat aficionados know the best smoked meat is at neither place.

The best smoked meat is at "George, Le Roi du Smoked Meat." George's is up in Montreal's bosom buddy, Laval. 

Yes, Quebec's two largest cities are separated by a 200-meter (call it 200 yards) wide river. If it wasn't for signage, you wouldn't even know you changed cities.

I often wondered how a Greek guy could be the Real King of Smoked Meat for the Greater Montreal area. I asked him. George ran Schwartz' smoke room for years until he had a falling out with ownership. George opened his own smoke room and restaurant. And that is that.

FYI: Never order lean or extra-lean smoked meat. It marks you as a nube. Order it medium (my fave) or even medium-fat.
Anybody who knows anything about Smoked Meat

A deep, dark secret

I waited until my wife stepped out to write this. I didn't want to risk her reading this over my shoulder. 

She's very stealthy.

I should put a bell on that woman.

I love MacDonald's! There I said it. 

I feel so free letting that out.

Yes, there's so little meat in a Big Mac that it's almost suitable for vegetarians. Yes, it's chock full of fat, salt, and sugar. (Go figure) Yes, it's only slightly healthier than a cyanide capsule. 

I don't care. I love the stuff. (Except the salads)

Gimme a Big Mac, large fry, and a chocolate shake and I'm as happy as a bug in a rug. Add a little Big Mac Special Sauce to dip my fries in, and I'm in Heaven

Shhhhhhhh. Don't tell the wife!

A Deeper Darker Secret

My forbidden love for MacDonald's isn't my only Mortal Culinary Sin. I also love KFC! 

I actually prefer KFC to my own fried chicken recipes.

I  should mention that you Americans are missing out. In Canada, We have a choice between coleslaw or macaroni salad. In the US, mac and cheese replaces the macaroni salad. 

That is such a let down that I never have KFC in the US.

There you have it. . . Just because I'm culinary school trained doesn't mean I have a lah-dee-dah attitude to food.

Sometimes you want a seduction. Sometimes your soul just screams for a quickie.

Both have their time and place.

Both can be fun.

Cheers

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