Rage Against the Machine: Part Five?
This is the fifth in a four-part series of buzzes that recounts my experiences as a maverick manager working within the constraints of corporate America. You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you'll wonder why this is the fifth in a four-part series.
Caddyshack is one of my all-time favorite films, although I despise the game of golf.
Combining the comedic talents of Rodney Dangerfield, Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, and Ted Knight , was a stroke of genius.
Each played their part to a tee, pun intended. Sorry, I couldn't resist.
If you recall, Bill Murray, playing the part of a burnt-out groundskeeper, spent most of the film trying to rid the course of a mischievous gopher that was tearing it up. My daughter thought he was cute.
I know exactly how the groundskeeper felt.
One spring, my general manager instructed me to encourage a family of *geese to vacate our corporate premises.
Come spring, without fail, a pair of these majestic birds would return to their summer home, which was on the shores of the man-made lake that surrounded our immaculately landscaped building.
They would build their nest in the bushes under my general manager's window, which was about 10 feet from our front door.
This presented a problem.
Once the nesting phase begins, these normally docile birds turn into pit bulls with feathers.
Numerous unsuspecting visitors were literally attacked as they walked along the sidewalk leading to the front door.
The birds were simply protecting their family-in-waiting. You couldn't blame them.
Nonetheless, we couldn't allow this feisty family to scare away or endanger our visitors.
Well, I'd sat through hours upon hours of mandatory training videos, ranging from sales to safety, but never anything that would prepare me for this.
So, considering myself a progressive, as well as a maverick manager, I did what came natural. I googled it.
Up popped a local business that used specially trained dogs to encourage the geese to relocate,
However, the service was rather costly, and I was told it wasn't in the budget.
Strike one.
Further research indicated that the troublesome birds were easily deterred by a low-lying fence. It also indicated the materials I would need and how to assemble them. Great.
So, after receiving the go ahead, I was off to the local hardware store to purchase a ball of twine and a dozen short spikes.
Fortunately, the birds chose to have a leisurely swim and picnic by lake while I was gone.
When I returned, I pounded the spikes into the ground along the sidewalk, winding the twine around each spike down the line. I topped each spike with an orange-plastic cap. An additional safety measure.
My homemade fence was about six inches above the ground, which I determined was high enough to hit them just above the legs and prevent them from going any farther. I chose twine, instead of the recommended wire, as another safety measure.
I stepped back and admired my work and then went back inside the building.
Only a few minutes passed before the birds exited the lake and waddled their way back toward the nest.
The moment of truth was upon us. We couldn't help but chuckle, realizing how absurd the whole thing was.
Then, it happened.
The first bird hit the string and stopped dead in it's tracks. We high-fived each other, assuming we'd defeated the fearless fowl.
However, our celebration was a bit premature.
The second bird approached the fence, picked up one leg and used it to press the string down to the ground, allowing its mate to waddle through the opening. It followed close behind.
Outsmarted by a bird. How humiliating.
Strike two.
We decided to take some time to think about it and I returned to my normal duties, as if anything I was instructed to do was normal. If you recall, I was deemed a manager-at-large, which meant my job description was open-ended.
A few days passed before the general manager summoned me into his office.
There was a box sitting on his desk. He told me to open it, so I did.
In the box was a *plastic alligator head with glittering eyes. It looked like one of those team-logo hats, similar to the cheese-head hats worn by Green Bay Packer fans.
I asked him what the hell he was going to do with it, knowing full well he was a notorious practical joker.
"It's not what I'm going to do with it," he said, with a smirk on his face. "You're going stick it in the bushes next to that bird's next."
"You've got to be kidding," I responded. "If you think that's going to work, you're crazier than I am."
Our receptionist did a double take as I passed her desk and headed out the front door with a plastic alligator head under my arm.
I placed it so that it was sticking out of a nearby bush, making it appear as if the body was sprawled out beneath it.
It worked.
During the night, the geese moved their nest to the far side of the building.
I don't know how they did it, but they did, eggs and all.
Home run!
Now, very few organizations would consider this serious business, but we're often faced with problems, such as these, that appear to come out of left field. You can't plan for them, but they need to be resolved.
They're not reflected in any reports, budgets, or balance sheets.
They'll certainly challenge your intestinal fortitude, ability to think on your feet, and force you to "think outside the box."
Fortunately, in this case, the general manager and I were able to have some fun with it, and I guarantee that the memory of these events will last much longer than the mundane, day-to-day tasks that followed.
By the way, I recently learned that the alligator head remains on duty, representing what I would consider the best purchasing decision the general manager ever made. He's still there, too.
*No geese or plastic alligator heads were harmed while encouraging these geese to pick up and move.
I've elected to turn this into an ongoing series. Why? Because I can and neither you or any algorithm can stop me.
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