Renee Iseli - Smits en Social Issues In Today's Society, Social Work, Healthcare editor • UnitEars.nl 4/12/2017 · 1 min de lectura · +500

Boundaries

Boundaries

Source: http://www.freestockphotos.biz/stockphoto/6405

The last few years I think, forced way, much about the question:"When am I at my limits, when do I cross this limit and when not".

I am already aware of the fact that nowadays I reach my personal limits faster than before, say, 10 years ago. The sudden drop in hearing not only caused me to hear less, but also made my tinnitus (ear noise) grow louder. And tinnitus has the unpleasant tendency to become increasingly audible, especially when you are stressed or tired. Though I am fortunately not suffering from my tinnitus, I am aware that it plays a hidden role when I try to listen for a long time.


Now I have become accustomed to using the word "no" now and then, when there is too much coming my way and I try to spread out demanding activities as much as possible. But from a purely technical point of view, I'm interested in the question of when do you reach your limits? We constantly read in the media that our society is more and more "burned out" at risk. You have to be available at all times, overtime is now normal. And woe betide the one who dares to say no to his boss.

Despite the wealth of information on this phenomenon, I still do not know where this harmful tendency comes from.


My own speculations are these: Does the changed industry and economy have anything to do with it? Or does it have something to do with the fact that before decennial parents have set ever fewer and fewer boundaries for their children and that such a (or even two) generation has grown up that has not learned to set boundaries for itself and its surroundings? For example, self-control is something that needs to be learned and does not come naturally to us.

I know from myself that I lose my self-control more quickly when I am very tired or stressed, although I usually have good self-control.

But when do you start saying "enough is enough"? Personally, I have had to learn to set my limits and I am still in the process of learning. I now recognize all the physical symptoms that signal my limits, so that I can decide for myself whether I should not go beyond my limits, or that I go beyond them and that then it is really over. Only when you recognize your own limits can you consciously choose how to deal with it. Or use its limits preventively.

Admittedly, sometimes I am a bit envious of people who show their limits in an apparently natural way. I still find it sometimes difficult to say no! However, I am convinced that the statement, boundaries create identity, is correct. Those who manage to set clear boundaries for themselves and others are respected and the boundaries are accepted. And sometimes, to my surprise, my boundaries are also accepted and respected.

Why is it still so difficult?



Harvey Lloyd 5/12/2017 · #6

#4 Did a little review of the concept and yes it seems to cover the bases. In the context of "no" it seems it wall call on us to establish first what we are saying no to. We have all been told no before the presentation was complete. This establishes poor listening or judgement.

+2 +2
Harvey Lloyd 5/12/2017 · #5

#4 No haven’t ventured into that area. Your post brought to light the many books I have reads about, getting to yes and the thought that no is sometimes the desired outcome.

Made me think in reverse of getting to yes

+1 +1
Renee Iseli - Smits 5/12/2017 · #4

#3 Thank you for your comment! A good way to look at it. I wonder if you are familiar with Marshall Rosenbergs Nonviolent Communication?

+1 +1
Harvey Lloyd 5/12/2017 · #3

No seems to have a negative connotation these days. Myself, i blame media for this new phenomena. No used to be understood as i dont have the time, or i am otherwise engaged. Today no means you don't like something or somebody. So saying no is really not a great way to say things these days, there is a new art. It involves a few more words to sure up relationships.

Example:

Although i believe in your cause and would love to share that journey with you, i am dedicated to X right now and wont be able to participate.
I see the need for overtime this evening but i have already made other appointments.

No is what i refer to as the cliff of no return. The person asking has assumed you would fill a gap, more than likely the whole gap. A better way to approach no is stating what you can say yes to.

Example: I am sorry but i cant take responsibility for that because of other commitments but i can provide an hour/a service or a part of the need here.

No should be reserved for those things that need a cliff. Moral objections, safety and other very red light requests. Outside of that we should try, when possible, to reframe what we can say yes to.

Limits are something that can get out of control quickly, over commitment is the celebration of most these days. Controlling what portions, of any request, you can say yes to is just another way of maintaining our limits.

+1 +1
Renee Iseli - Smits 5/12/2017 · #2

#1 Hi Lisa, well, I do agree with you. I also feel guilty sometimes to say no and truely had to learn it is okay to do so at times.

0
Lisa Gallagher 5/12/2017 · #1

I don't find it hard to say no anymore but I tend to still guilt myself at times when I do say no. Maybe that's something that lingers in people who were always used to saying yes and forgetting that it's okay and healthy to say no? I also think by saying no it helps others to realize it's an acceptable thing to do and a healthy way of self care. Of course, there will always be some who say no because they are on power trips or really don't care about others.

+1 +1