Dating Advice: Men Hate to Talk (Unless It's About Why Stuff Smells)

“I’m not talking down to you, I’m talking down to me.” Conversation overheard in restaurant

Men aren’t natural conversationalists. We fake it, mostly. Social interactions are just too awkward — or terrifying. Even gregarious men are terrified. Rather than admit we’re terrified, we drink, stuff lemons in our mouths, or talk about why petrochemicals smell. That’s how much we hate talking. In fact, we created wars just to avoid attending functions and making fools of ourselves. Then women told us we had to go, anyway, which left a lot of unfinished wars. That’s why we have treaties.

It could be said we’re lousy conversationalists because women won’t let us finish wars. There’s always some party that’s more important. “It’s Aunt Mindy’s birthday,” they’ll say, like Aunt Mindy hasn’t had eighty-five birthdays already, and should be tired of them by now. No, we have to go, usually with a plant that’s bigger than the car. Aunt Mindy’s drowning in enormous plants and probably wouldn’t mind a birthday enema instead.

If you can put Aunt Mindy to sleep talking about why petrochemicals smell, I’m sure she’s grateful.

Since we can’t avoid these functions, men resort to doing what women would be doing if they weren’t so busy having parties: We learn stuff. That’s right, we learn a bunch of stuff, believing it’s better to bore people than embarrass ourselves. It’s not such a bad strategy. If you can put Aunt Mindy to sleep talking about why petrochemicals smell, I’m sure she’s grateful.

Trouble is, we get carried away. We become know-it-alls. Putting Aunt Mindy to sleep isn’t enough for us. We have to turn every conversation into a lecture on things like oil refining, lemon sucking or the mating rituals of peacocks.

This has led to the term “mansplaining” which, according to the New Webster’s Dictionary, is when men “explain something in a condescending or patronizing manner.” Urban dictionaries refer to it as “The reason women hit men over the head with water pitchers.”

Just as men can’t ask directions, they can’t admit someone might be more knowledgeable than them.

One woman on reddit wrote about her last date saying “…then the asshole starts telling me in exhausting detail about The Battle of Gettysburg. I have a degree in 19th century history, for cryin’ out loud. Then he doesn’t call me.”

According to Psychology Today, men have a built-in mechanism known as “idiocy.” Just as men can’t ask directions, they can’t admit someone might be more knowledgeable than them. This is a problem, particularly on subjects that are “highly gendered.” Men, for instance, think they know more about computers than women— even when you’re in the same industry, and just hit them over the head with a water pitcher.

Susan Kraus Whitbourne, Ph.D. explained in the same article that this is common with dating, since men think too much of their technical abilities while women don’t think enough of theirs. If women do think enough of their knowledge, they get accused of womansplaining, which for reasons only psychologists can understand, men refer to as PMS.

Women should show they’re resilient, even if it means being accused of PMS or too free and easy with water pitchers.

Whitbourne advises women not to back off if they’re accused of this since “it reinforces the impression that you need to be educated.” It’s the same strategy women should use with “e-bile” or “flame bait.” Men supposedly taunt women online — especially on dating sites — to see whether they can take it or not. Women should show they’re resilient, even if it means being accused of PMS or too free and easy with water pitchers.

What most articles fail to talk about in any depth is the subject of terror. If men are terrified of social functions, imagine what online dating does to them. Caught in a scenario where there isn’t an Aunt Mindy to rely on, men will resort to mansplaining (essentially talking your ass off).

As irritating as mansplaining is, you can’t go around hitting every date over the head with a water pitcher. Better to remain calm, reminding them that another world war is inevitable (based on your knowledge of 19th century history and the fact that men can only mansplain for so long without a war).

Maybe stick to things you can both discuss, like what goes great with lemons, or whether peacocks really need to be so showy when they mate.

At the same time, it wouldn’t hurt men to shut up occasionally. Just because you know The Gettysburg Address doesn’t mean you have to recite it. Asking questions such as “What’s your interpretation of The Gettysburg Address?” might get a surprising response — maybe even a funny one like “That’s where Lincoln lived, wasn’t it?”

Another alternative is to save intellectual discussion for a second date. Maybe stick to things you can both discuss, like what goes great with lemons, or whether peacocks really need to be so showy when they mate.

Choosing mutual topics can avoid mansplaining — or womansplaining, for that matter. There’s aways something you can discuss without either of you being a know-it-all. Maybe talk about family. Your date might have an Aunt Mindy. You’d be surprised how many women have an Aunt Mindy. They could all be waiting right now to hear about why petrochemicals smell.

It’s sure better than ducking water pitchers.

Robert Cormack is a freelance copywriter, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.