Dating Advice: Travel Is the Best Way to Dump Someone.

Despite the cost, dumping your lover at the Louvre or the Sphinx in Giza is a lot more effective—and safer—than doing it at Starbucks.

“Never go on trips with anyone you do not love.” Ernest Hemingway

Hemingway was a great traveller. He went all over the world, hunting in Africa, marlin fishing off the coast of Cuba, skiing in the Italian alps. What he never understood was the importance of travelling with someone you hate.

The whole idea of travel should be to dump someone. I had a friend who did it all the time. Whenever a relationship was fading, he’d say, “Let’s go to Santorini!” Usually, they never made it past the stopover in Rome.

Everyone imagines travel as romantic. They see themselves sitting with their lover in a café in Paris, sipping lattes. But imagine that lover is someone you’d like to throw under a motor scooter. It’s easy. There are tons of scooters only yards away. Just kick over your lover’s chair and you’re free. Parisians do it all the time.

If you really hate your lover, the greatest “dumping ground” is Egypt.

Not that you necessarily have to kill someone to break up. Travel affords you all kinds of non-violent ways to dump a lover. Take the Louvre, for instance. Over 8 million people go there each year. Six million do it specifically to see the Mona Lisa. That means you’ll be standing 12 rows deep.

Even from a distance, you’ll notice she looks the same as she does on the t-shirts outside. Many lovers break up over this fact. Just as many wet themselves waiting for the washroom. People stand 12 rows deep there, too. Soil yourself and there’s a good chance you’ll be on the next plane home.

If you really hate your lover, the greatest “dumping ground” is Egypt. Very few relationships survive a trip to the Pyramids. Cairo is hot, Giza is hotter. One consolation? You won’t be standing 12 rows deep waiting for the washroom. There are no washrooms. You can’t even go for a discreet walk. It’s desert.

But why, you ask, spend all that money going some place exotic? What’s wrong with dumping someone at Starbucks?

If it’s not the city or the heat or the water, it’s the airports. No airport in the world has ever enhanced a relationship.

The answer is simple: blame. Dumping someone at Starbucks places the entire responsibility on you. At least in Giza, you can blame the heat and the Pyramids themselves. They’re a pile of hot rocks. The desert is an expanse of sand with no place to urinate. If anyone’s responsible for you two splitting up, it’s the Egyptians. Couldn’t they at least have put in a Denny’s?

That’s the great thing about travel. Technically you don’t have to break up with anyone. The location does it for you. If it’s not the city or the heat or the water, it’s the airports. No airport in the world has ever enhanced a relationship.

Even couples in highly successful marriages try to kill each other in airports. We mistake them for terrorists. They’re simply very pissed off individuals. They can’t kill airport staff. That leaves their partner. The only reason they haven’t killed each other sooner is they have strong bladders.

Travel also brings out a great deal of disenchantment. People are always talking about their “wonderful” vacations. The scenery was magnificent. The food was delicious. The music was enlivening. Hell, they’ve got the pictures to prove it. Look at those smiles, those tans, that marguerita.

If they’d gone further than the Left Bank, it was only because they saw a Golden Arches from the Eiffel Tower.

Now picture your partner imagining a trip together. There’s a great deal of expectation. Didn’t the Joneses next door have a marvelous time in Paris?

Well, the Joneses never got further than the 8th arrondissement. They ate, they took pictures, they napped. If they got as far as the Left Bank, it was only because they saw a Golden Arches from the Eiffel Tower.

In other words, your partner, or girlfriend or boyfriend is already deceived. Anything is going to be a disappointment. Since none of us handles disappoint well, there’s going to be a lot of anger and resentment.

Your job is to let the anger and resentment grow and fester. Say something like, “Those Joneses, huh? I’ll bet they wet themselves at the Louvre. Funny they never thought to mention that.”

Well, no they probably didn’t. But they’re thousands of miles away. What’s the point of calling, saying they’re lying little shits. No, the only person handy—and worth blaming—is you. You suggested a romantic vacation.

So, okay, next thing you do is admit you’re a disappointment. You failed where so many having failed before you. It’s not like you planned to make Giza hot. Or made the Mona Lisa look like she does on a t-shirt.

Paris may be a city of romance. Giza may hold the architectural wonders of the world. But more than anything, they’re great for destroying relationships.

In other words, you can safely say you’re being blamed for something that’s highly irrational and overly emotional. Which is when you head for the airport. After standing at customs for two hours, or taxiing 70 minutes on the runway, the relationship will be over, dead, kaput.

All that’s left is to head home, grab a Starbucks on the way, and marvel how you could have been sitting there, with coffee on your shirt, being called the biggest shit in the world.

No, despite the cost, travelling is by far the best way to break up. Paris may be a city of romance. Giza may hold the greatest architectural wonders of the world. But more than anything, they’re great for destroying relationships.

Not only do you rid yourself of someone you can’t stand, you get to see some great landmarks, and possibly relieve yourself behind the Pyramid of Khufu.

It’s a win win situation. I’m surprised you didn’t think of this on your own. I’m also surprised more people aren’t urinating behind the Pyramid of Khufu.

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Robert Cormack is a novelist, blogger, humorist and children’s book author. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Suba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.