"I Can No Longer Feel God."

“In ancient times, cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.” Terry Pratchett

When Facebook said they’d use AI to weed out spooky commentary, who knew those spooky commentarians would win? They’re still running free, in the furthest reaches of social media, and they don’t mind pronouncing some pretty rich testimonials. The latest and possibly most sublime? A vaccine recipient claiming they no longer feel God.

This is heavy stuff and shouldn’t be ignored, especially if feeling God is very important to you and your family. Imagine if more vaccine recipients come forward, saying they’re not feeling God, either? This could spiral into something definitely serious. It could produce “vaccine hesitancy” on a worldwide scale. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen — but it could.

Should it be included in the side effect profile as “You could experience a loss of God’s presence”?

Even if it remains a relatively rare symptom, each vaccine manufacturer has to take this into account. Should it be included in the side effect profile as “You could experience a loss of God’s presence”? Or will it become a contraindication where doctors are warned to avoid its use with deeply religious patients? Believe me, they need to feel God.

To anyone claiming this is more extremist, anti-vaxxer, anti-mask, anti-vaccine nonsense, let’s not discount it without careful thought.

You get the vaccine, you feel fine otherwise, except for this one particular numb sensation. You spend the day wondering what it is? Then, like one of those big thunderclaps you see in a Mel Brooks’ film, you realize you can’t feel God. Don’t laugh. If you’ve been feeling God all of your life — and now you don’t — that’s no laughing matter.

Before we pooh-pooh this, saying it could be a bad burrito, it might be something far more serious. And aren’t vaccine manufacturers, in the interest of due diligence, not expected to look into this? Shouldn’t the particular vaccine recipient mentioned here be questioned further?

We’re talking God afterall.

The ramifications go far beyond Facebook and possibly the FDA. If more people come forward with similar testimonials, what can health organizations do? Think what we’re dealing with over in Europe. Denmark recently stopped using the AstraZeneca vaccine because of one blood clot. Now Iceland is doing the same thing.

I think Oreo cookies can give you the occasional blood clot (not positive about this). But I’m not blaming Denmark or Iceland for being careful. Or maybe too careful.

Here’s the problem with this logic. The AstraZeneca vaccine has been administered to millions around the world. For the most part, there have been few side effects — let alone blood clots. I think Oreo cookies can give you the occasional blood clot (not positive about this). But I’m not blaming Denmark or Iceland for being careful. Or maybe too careful.

Anyway, as it turns out, Denmark was only thinking of halting AstraZeneca vaccinations for 14 days, so the vaccine could be “thoroughly investigated.” Nothing wrong with that. Although Polly Roy, a virologist at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, said she didn’t feel the blood clots were due to the vaccine itself. “Maybe they [patients] have some underlying problem,” she said.

Well, it was investigated, and 22 cases of blood clots were found in, oh, 3 million cases. I don’t know what that is as a percentage (lousy at math), but it was enough for Estonia, Lithuania, Luxembourg and Latvia to halt inoculations, too. They’re not very good at percentages, either.

Meanwhile, France, Spain and Germany continue to use the AstraZeneca vaccine, along with much of Africa, North America, South America and Australia. Either they have better mathematicians or…wait…Denmark is using the AstraZeneca vaccines again. Well, well, well…

If, as this patient pointed out — quite stringently, I might add — they no longer feel God after their inoculation, could we be on the brink of creating a bunch of atheists?

It seems, as The Danish Medical Authority pointed out, “The benefits outweigh the risk.” Funny how that wasn’t realized when the risk/benefit profile (22 cases out of 3 million) was already on the internet (where it sits for all the world to see — including little ol’ me).

But let’s get back to this God thing. If, as this patient pointed out — quite stringently, I might add — they no longer feel God after their inoculation, could we be on the brink of creating a bunch of atheists?

Imagine this spreading around the world. In a matter of months, religious extremism could be eliminated, ending wars, genocides and the persecution of groups like the Uighurs and the Rohingya people.

Perhaps that’s too much to hope forgiven the rarity of the symptom itself. But it sure would put a new spin on inoculating against deadly viruses. What could be better than ending unnecessary deaths—and the persecution of religious minorities at the same time?

Product monographs need to be revised, including something like: “Doctors should determine (post vaccine) if their patients are experiencing religious numbness or possible God dementia.”

But, again, I stray from the issue at hand. Pharmaceutical companies must take this new side effect seriously. Product monographs need to be revised, including something like: “Doctors should determine (post vaccine) if their patients are experiencing religious numbness or possible God dementia.”

It’s a small addition, afterall. These companies revise their product monographs all the time. They could add a “God numbness” reference while they’re noting the slight risk of blood clotting (22 cases out of 3 million) which, you can bet, is being looked at by AstraZeneca now.

It would be a wise move to include a mention of God, anyway. If Pfizer and Moderna don’t, believe me, whoever does will be heroes. Think of the southern Baptist communities in the United States. Nobody is more “pro life” than they are, and you can bet they’re “pro God,” too.

Vaccine hesitancy is still a serious problem. Surely nipping this God thing in the bud will help sooth already worried minds. At least you can say you explored the possibility in cohort studies.

Believe me, the world will sleep better knowing this has been dealt with. God knows, we’ll have plenty of other viruses and variants and dogs getting their own back for treating them like snacks.

So many people will thank you if you sort out this God numbness thing.

So I say to all pharmaceutical companies, think this through carefully. You still have five-year and ten-year safety profiles to work out. So many people will thank you if you sort out this God numbness thing.

Hell, I’ll thank you, and I’m an atheist. I just want people to be happy.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, satirist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive) is available through Skyhorse Press. You can read Robert’s other articles and stories at robertcormack.net