The Real Perils of Robots.

We should worry less about losing our jobs and more about becoming their pets.

“I visualize a time when we will be to robots what dogs are to humans, and I’m rooting for the machines,” Claude Shannon

To hear Stephen Hawking tell it, we’re in a lot of trouble. Our biological evolution can’t possibly compete with artificial intelligence. Robots (which are just shells for AI) will re-design themselves in days, while we’ll wait the usual 1,000 years. By that time, AIs will control all levels of government and taco stands. Government won’t matter much, but taco stands definitely will.

Our future could consist of us sitting at taco stands 12 hours a day, watching AI sitcoms on our phones. These sitcoms will resemble The Big Bang Theory, except Sheldon will be dating a robot named Minnie.

This is eerily like Mark Zuckerberg who once described Facebook as “a place where you can learn things about other people’s things.”

Much of what we eat will be bland because they’ll be developed by AI chefs, better known as “lousy cooks.” They have no sense of smell or taste, so fast food will pretty much taste the way it does now.

Artificial intelligence is also incapable of being imaginative, so most foods will be called “foods.” Condiments will be called “stuff you put on stuff.” This is eerily like Mark Zuckerberg who once described Facebook as “a place where you can learn things about other people’s things.”

There’s also a chance we’ll be called “pets.” Not that we’ll be pets in the traditional sense. We won’t have robots scratching us behind the ears. That requires compassion. It’s quite possible we’ll have to scratch each other behind the ears. So, technically, we’ll be pets of pets.

Experts continually tell us we have nothing to worry about. The whole pet idea stems from a few skeptics figuring we’ll be pushed down the food chain. Since robots don’t eat food, we’ll have to be pets or lamps.

It’s a long way off, though. Right now, robots are being developed to assume more mundane tasks. That actually bugs us more than becoming pets.

Maybe we should let robots try painting Mona Lisas. We’ll go back to welding cars together.

We like mundane tasks. Repetition is our friend. Most of us go to work with every expectation that we’ll be doing the same mundane and repetitious tasks. When someone says, “You’ll soon be free to engage in creative tasks,” that scares the bejesus out of us. We don’t invent things. We buy things.

Then there are other opponents of artificial intelligence who say, “Robots will never create a Mona Lisa.” Nobody’s created a Mona Lisa since Leonardo de Vinci. That was over five hundred years ago. Maybe we should let robots try painting Mona Lisas. We’ll go back to welding cars together.

We’re far better suited to assembly lines — even line dancing. Show us fifty people waiting at a take-out window and we’re there. Advertise a Boxing Day sale and we’ll camp out on the sidewalk till the doors open.

One man waited all night in front of a Best Buy store for the new iPhone. It had exactly six more features than the iPhone he already owned.

And you’ll never see a YouTube video with a robot wearing stretch pants down around its knees.

Two women got in a major brawl at a Walmart over a case of bottled water. A staff member tried to intercede and nearly had his clothes ripped off.

Here’s the thing about robots: They’ll never duke it out the way humans do in a Walmart or Taco Bell. And you’ll never see a YouTube video with a robot wearing stretch pants down around its knees.

They may have biological evolution figured out, but we’re tops when it comes to routine. Even robots are moving from ANI (artificial narrow intelligence) to ASI (artificial super intelligence), meaning they’re capable of figuring out when to change the baking soda in the freezer. We, on the other hand, go our entire careers without ever changing the baking soda at all.

Some experimental physicists have also pointed out that robots have a real problem with things like string. Why can it be pulled and not pushed? If the day ever comes when we’re pets, we can drive robots crazy with leashes.

If we ever want to bring down robots, all we have to do is convince them that all four-legged creatures are human and vice versa.

Fact is, artificial intelligence is terrible at anything analytical outside of numbers. Remember when our math teachers called us stupid for not understanding calculus? AIs can do calculus in their sleep. What they can’t do is figure out why we’re not dogs. This has confused some math teachers, too.

If we ever want to bring down robots, all we have to do is convince them that all four-legged creatures are human and vice versa. Imagine the day they decide to declare war on humans. It’ll be hell on dogs, cats and zebras.

We, on the other hand, will be pets.

If this post made you laugh, maybe you’re funnier than you think. Comedy is a perspective, afterall. It’s how we view the world. It’s also how writing can be made more relaxed and approachable (even corporate correspondences).

This Nov 20–24, I’ll be teaching humour and satire at Clonmel Castle, Port Dover, Ontario. It’s part of a new writer’s workshop series called “Writer’s at the Castle.” Join us for 5 days (4 nights) of humorous writing and discussion in an 18-room Georgian Revival mansion. Daily rates also available. Please book soon for best rooms. Contact Lynneee Steffler for more information at: clonmelcastle@gmail.com or call: 1–519–583–0519.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, humorist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.