Paul "Pablo" Croubalian en Lifestyle, Professions, Workers, Careers, English Independent Authorized Agent of Pivotal Payments • Independent Authorized Agent of Pivotal Payments and others (beBee Ambassador) 15/8/2018 · 5 min de lectura · 3,9K

MisAdventures in Mid-Life Dating: The Talk, The Result, The WTFFF?

MisAdventures in Mid-Life Dating: The Talk, The Result, The WTFFF?Last Saturday was the day of "The Talk." You know, that's the talk that results from those words that freeze every man's blood solid, "We need to talk."

We men all know that "We need to talk," really means, "You had better listen to me talk!"

Coco initiated The Talk.

For those of you following this series, you know Coco is formidable in many senses of the word.

Coco's Edit: You bet your sorry ass, Mr. Arse with a capital A!

BTW: Cyndi wilkins, thank you oh so much for capitalizing the A in Arse (he said factitiously). You did, however, make  Coco's day. Maybe you made her week.
Me, not very thrilled and Coco, definitely thrilled

I wondered just what it was we needed to talk about / listen to since Coco and I were not an item and would likely never be. Did Coco even have the right to call a "We need to talk" talk? 

I think not.

No matter. I sucked back my trepidation and decided to just take whatever lumps she needed to dish out. Then, I'd get on with my life, and she with hers. She's a good kid although she hates it when I call her that. Whether she hates the term "kid" or not is irrelevant. I'm 59 she's 34. Ergo. . . she's a kid.

Coco's Edit: Unprintable. Those luscious lips frame a serious potty mouth.

It didn't start well. 

I was late, Coco was swimming in the lake -- again. I doubt the swimming is a coincidence. True that shape of hers probably requires significant maintenance, but. . . I was over 15 minutes late, so what was she still doing in there? 

Who knows? Who cares? 

Maybe she didn't think I'd show up. 

Maybe it was more a "look at what you're missing" thing. Coco in a bikini is indeed impressive.

Either way, it was pissing me off, no matter how skimpy that bikini was.

Coco's friends had answered the doorbell and brought me to the patio table out back. Was this to be a group The Talk, intervention style? (No way I would tolerate that. There are limits to what I will endure appeasing youthful hurt pride.) 

Her two friends were looking me up and down like some freak. 

My left eyebrow arched. That's my tell that I'm getting annoyed, bordering on angry. I never caught Coco's friends' names, they weren't there last time. I'll just call them Red and Bob-cut. 

Coco's Edit: Melissa and Joanne. Sorry if they were rude. They were just defending me.
My Edit: From what? I've been nothing but straight with you. The last thing I want to do is hurt you in any way.

The Reader's Digest Condensed version of "The Talk"

The Talk, from beginning to end took a little over an hour. I can't and won't even try to give a full rendition. I think it went far differently than Coco planned. That works for me, considering the plan. Ok, back to it. 

Red and Bob-cut spoke between themselves like I wasn't even there. That did nothing to improve my mood. They spoke in French even though they answered the door in English. I don't know if they knew I'm fluent, or if indeed they cared. I doubt they did.

Red: I don't know what she sees in him.

Bob-cut: Me neither. He's pretty old.

Me (silently, I'm neither stupid nor suicidal.): Exactly! I don't know either, and yes, I'm way too old for her. I agree 100%. Can we get on with this? I have someplace else to be.

Red: She says he makes her laugh. He doesn't look all that funny. (I can be, but not just before a "The Talk." To be sure, Coco has a warped sense of humor and laughs easily. You don't need to be Robin Williams to make her laugh.)

Bob-cut: She says he's charming... whatever that means. (I have no idea what it means either. I think Charmin is a brand of toilet paper.)

I was listening to Mutt & Jeff a.k.a. Red and Bob-cut for about 15 minutes before Coco climbed onto the dock. I hate mind games and waiting in equal measure. I was not a happy camper. But, Lac de l'Achigan is pretty cold. Cold water, as described by the sage, George Costanza of Seinfeld fame, causes shrinkage in men. 

It has the opposite effect on women. 

I ceased to hear what Red and Bob-cut were saying. 

Coco sauntered over and said, "Want a sandwich, drink, or something?"

I rarely drink, but a big shot of liquid courage sounded a propos. On second thought, I would be driving shortly through winding forest roads. Hopefully, it would be very shortly. Ideally, it would be right then and there. (My Edit: Maybe it should have been.)

Coco's Edit: What?! Cyndi, talk to him! He's being an Arse again!
My Edit: Cyndi wilkins, Coco is under the impression that you hold some sway over me and can convince me of stuff. I don't know why she thinks so. She also thinks you are on her side in this debacle, debate, or WhateverTF it is. Sorry that you keep getting dragged into this.

My mouth said, "No, thank you." I was thinking more along the lines of, "No, can we just get this shit over with?" The eyebrow was still arched. I noticed that Red and Bob-cut retreated a small distance. This Talk wouldn't be intervention-style after all.

Coco: You seem tense and annoyed. Is everything OK?

Me: Have you ever told a guy, "We need to talk," and he wasn't tense and/or annoyed?

Coco: I guess not. I can't say I ever thought of it. At least you showed up.

Me: (Silently, "And that may be part of the problem. . . a big one.") Out loud: Whatever. . . Could you do me a favor? Go change before you start talking. That is, go change if you want me to actually hear anything you say. (waving a hand towards her) All this is far too distracting.

Coco left shaking her head and, lo and behold, Red and Bob-cut were actually smiling. I'm not sure if they were amused or if it was the type of smile Great Whites reserve for a pod of seals.

I think Great Whites.

The eyebrow arched higher.

Where was I? Oh yes, Coco went off to change from her bikini into something less inflammatory.

Allow me a short digression. It has been said that 87% of women who wear yoga pants do not practice yoga. It has also been said that 100% of straight men don't give a shit whether or not those women practice yoga, as long as they wear the pants.

I'm a straight man. Yoga pants are the bane of my existence. Yoga pants on shapely bottoms more so. I have walked into stop signs. I have upended trash bins. Once, I even walked right out into traffic. I really need to buy myself a set of blinders like horses wear.

Coco's Edit: No, that would just make you walk backward and be even more dangerous.

You wanna guess what Coco put on? You'd be right on the first try. 

Not only did she put on yoga pants, the not-so-little minx paired them with a short T-shirt. I'm not a fashionista, but I think they call it a belly shirt. 

That just wouldn't do.

Coco's edit: heheheheh. Got to you, huh?

Me: That's not any better, Coco!  You're still awfully distracting.

Coco: I don't get you at all!!! What does it matter what I wear? You've made it perfectly clear that you don't like me.

Me: Huh???!! Why the hell would you say that? I like you quite a bit, just not in that way. Would I even be here, about to get chewed out, if I didn't give a shit about you? And, it matters a great deal. I can't afford the distraction right now. You know what, never mind, you wanted to Talk? Here I am. So Talk.

She was smiling -- at least a little. This was my first inkling that I may actually survive this "The Talk."  

Coco: Cyndi (Cyndi wilkins) was right! You are an Arse with a capital A. Worse, you are a PRESUMPTUOUS ARSE! Capitalize everything! (My Edit: Done.)

Red and Bob-cut were frowning again -- uh oh.

Me: Okay, what did I do?

Coco: Arse! You don't know?

Me: (rapidly approaching my boiling point) If I did, would I ask?


My Edit: I really don't know how to spell the cross between a snarl, sigh, and growl that came out of her mouth. "Arghhh!" is close enough for you to get the general idea.

Red and Bob-cut were looking downright homicidal. 

Coco: I don't know why I bother. (My edit: Well, to be fair, neither do I.). You say I'm too young, but I can't help my age. I don't care about your age. You also say I act older anyways. So what the fuck is the problem?!? It was one thing when you were hung up on this C-chick, but what is your problem now? My fucking biological clock that is ticking audibly? You really are a Presumptuous Arse.

Me: Well...(I wasn't happy at having a friend referred to as "this C-chick." C deserves better than that.)


My eyebrow was so arched at this point that I thought it would break. Is it even possible to break an eyebrow? If this had gone much further I would have found out.

"My apologies. Please continue," I said quietly. I get very quiet just before an eruption. The quieter I get, the bigger the eruption. I have an A-bomb temper connected to a verrrrry long fuse. It explodes with little warning though. Coco was cutting that fuse awfully short. 

I really wanted to shout, "YES, YOU ARE FINISHED. Just shut the hell up 'cause I'm off like a new bride's pajamas!" 

And we all know that nothing goes off faster than that.

Gone were thoughts of bikinis, yoga pants, and belly shirts. Even those flashing eyes and heaving jiggly bits didn't abate my anger. I was fit to be tied. 

I don't think I let it show.

Coco's edit: No, you didn't. Wow, that was you super pissed off?
My edit: No, that was me seeing red, well past super pissed off. Another few seconds and you wouldn't have recognized me. 
Coco's edit: You're not mean when you're angry.
My edit: Oh, I can be. I can be downright viscious, trust me. I have a terrible temper. That's why I keep it severly in check. I was just about to leave rather than blow up.

Coco: (Continuing) Yes, I want to have a child someday, but I never said I want to have one with you, you Presumptuous Arse!

Me: (Rage subsiding as I took that factoid in. She was right, damn it. Guys, don't you just hate it when that happens?) Okay, that's a good point, I'll give you that. I was wrong.

Coco: Huh?

Me: Huh, what? I jumped to a faulty conclusion. Okay, I accept that. I've processed it and corrected it in my mind. Let's move it along, shall we? 

Coco: Huh? That's it?

Me: I don't understand.

Coco: I had this whole schpeel lined up. I even practiced it!

I could see Red and Bob-cut nodding and rolling their eyes. I guess the schpeel was where I got flayed alive (figuratively, I hope). I assume she practiced it on them.

I didn't mention that getting pregnant from somebody else is the biggest relationship deal-breaker there is. It didn't seem wise at the time. 

Coco's edit: No shit, Sherlock the Arse! I wouldn't do that to you or anybody! Good thing you didn't mention it! That schpeel would have come in handy.

Me: Sorry, go ahead if you like.

Coco: OMG! You're infuriating (My Edit: Come to think of it. . . she said that a lot.) (Coco's edit: Well, you are!!) (My Edit: And yet. . . ).

Coco continuing: Well, there's really not much of a point to doing that now, is, there?

Me: If it makes you happy to chew me out, go ahead. Just remember it isn't like we committed to anything or even hinted at committing to anything. We played golf. We don't talk much, or often. We've never gone out on a date. What's the real issue here?

The look I got was a combination of incredulous-ness and frustration. 

Coco: You don't want me! (Speaking to Red) Mel, how often have I come up here this summer?

Red: Three times.

Coco: And last year? 

Red: Never. 

Me: And?

Coco: I come all the way up here to spend a measly hour or two with you, you Arsehole. You can at least appreciate it. Better, you can reciprocate! (My Edit: I assumed Coco wanted "arsehole" capitalized so I did.)

Me: That's not quite true, is it? You came up here this time to chew me out. The first time was just a coincidence that we were on the same lake. You came up to "see me" only once and that was during a massive heat wave when a lakefront visit is a great idea. Don't bullshit me, Coco. 

I think Coco was shocked that I called her on her bullshit. (Coco's Edit: Maybe not shocked, but definitely taken back. Most guys just pretend they believe me I guess.) (My Edit: Yeah. And how's that been working for you so far?) 

Coco wanted to be in the No-Bullshit Zone. That means no bullshit -- from either side. That means each side tells the truth, the whole truth, unvarnished, unadorned, warts and all. That means no half-truths. That means no hiding stuff. That means nothing implied. That means completely open blunt communication. That means exposing your complete inner self to the other.

No bullshit means complete honesty. It isn't easy to do.

Me: Here's my take on this, Coco. I think you are more annoyed that I refused you than you are attracted. It's the fact that I refused you that makes you want something more. If I pursued you, you would likely run. Does that make any sense?

Coco: What kind of psycho-babble horseshit is that? NO! It doesn't make sense. You are driving me nuts. (My Edit: I assume she meant not in a good way) (Coco's edit: Really, you think? Captain Obvious/Oblivious/ARSE!)

Me: Maybe we should just call this, whatever this is. I'd rather just keep you as my golf buddy.

Coco: (After a few moments lost in thought) No, I have a better idea. You're not hung up on C anymore, right?

Me: (Apprehensively) No, but I don't think I'll ever be 100% over C. I've had a minor crush on her longer than you've been alive. Let's just say it's back to minor crush status.

Coco: Learn to lie. Okay, I can work with that. D is in {location removed to preserve annonymity}, right? Do you still talk to her?

Me: Yes, once or twice a day usually. I like her. That's not gonna stop unless she stops it. I really enjoy our chats. If she were local we wouldn't even be having this discussion.

Coco: WTF?! She's like 10,000 klicks (kilometers) away, I'm right fucking here!

Me: Closer to 13,000 actually. We already went over this, Coco. There is no you and me.

Coco: Let me finish, PLEASE. 10,000 or 13,000 I'm not worried about overseas competition. I'll start worrying if she ever shows up here, okay? I propose to prove you wrong -- again. 

Me: Oh? How will you do that and what am I wrong about?

Coco: Never mind that. When do you finish up here? (The Summer Camp)

Me: Next Thursday afternoon, why?

Coco: Because I'm making you dinner next Saturday -- you've cooked enough -- then you're taking me out. It doesn't need to be anything fancy, a movie is good. 

Me: Coco...

Coco: NO! You say I'm only interested because you're not. Fine, let's test your oh-so-fucking-brilliant theory. As of right now, we are dating!

Me: Say what?

Coco: You heard me, Mr. Arse! And don't even think about arguing. What are you worried about? I'm gonna run soon anyway, right?

Me: Yeah, but -- Fuck!

Coco: So, what do you have to lose? That biological clock bullshit? Fine, we're non-exclusive, is that better?

Me: uhhhhh...well . . . 

Coco: Gee, I thought writers were eloquent. You sure as fuck aren't.

Me: Well, you certainly came out of left field with this. . . OH FUCK IT!

Look, a guy knows when he's beaten. I was bamboozled, hogtied, served, and a number of other clichés. Nothing for it but to go along. I guess Coco and I are now dating? I'm really not sure how serious this is. I guess I'll find out on Saturday.

One way or another, I give it a couple of weeks, a month tops.

Coco's Edit: AGGGGGHHHHHH!!! You really are infuriating! Shut the fuck up! I'm starting to wonder if we'll even make it to Saturday. Be at my place at about 5, Mr. Arse. Dress nice for our date.

What the Fuckity-Fuck-Fuck (WTFFF) just happened?

The Complete Series So Far

On Love, Relationships, Loss, And Mind Hell

How To Build Your Own No Bullshit Zone

MisAdventures in Mid-Life Dating: The Male View

MisAdventures in Mid-Life Dating, the Male View: The Ambush

MisAdventures in Mid-Life Dating: Coco Revisited and Cyndi Answered

MisAdventures in Mid-Life Dating: Enough is Enough

and this one: MisAdventures in Mid-Life Dating: The Talk, The Result, The WTFFF?

Paul "Pablo" Croubalian 16/9/2018 · #105

#104 LMAO.... yeah that caused me a ton of grief... but many laughs as well

+1 +1
Cyndi wilkins 15/9/2018 · #104

And to think this all started with a capital "A" ...WTFFF;-)

+1 +1
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian 14/9/2018 · #103

#94 The end result is in comments # 71, 72, and 73. I'll paste them into the next post along with the subsequent happenings

Louise Smith 14/9/2018 · #102

#100 Not any girl - try to FLIP the statement on a gender line
Switching teams - too much information
To become Trans is a Bad Idea
- you will experience gender discrimination
- also very high suicide rate

Florence is not good on irony - but most Aussie's get it ! Regardless of gender ! It's typical humour Down Under !

"Understanding of a problem is not really necessary so long as we know what the problem is."
Now that's a humdinger !

+1 +1
Cyndi wilkins 14/9/2018 · #101

#93 Lol! I jumped off THAT cliff a long time ago @Louise Smith...I would probably be your 'Thelma!'

As for you Mr. @Paul "Pablo" Croubalian...I enjoy being wrapped up in your perfect storm;-)

+1 +1
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian 14/9/2018 · #100

#93 #97 Yes, indeed, Louise, not ALL girls, but definitely most. I'd consider switching teams but for two reasons: 1 - I like women too much to switch. Even my inner female is butch and like women too. 2 - That would be a whole different type of pain in the ass.

A case in point -- I woman of my acquaintance is named, Florence. I remarked that then tropical storm Florence has just been upgraded to hurricane status. I laughed at the name choice. In my mind, Florence, a very nice, polite soft-spoken woman is by no means a massively destructive force of nature. Ergo, the naming of a probable killer storm "Florence" is funny to my warped mind.

She's mad at me for bringing it up.

All my girl-friends agree. All my guy-friends don't get it (myself included). Understanding of a problem is not really necessary so long as we know what the problem is. I apologized.

I'll try to write the next post this weekend. I've been incredibly busy, and no not in that way.

+2 +2
Louise Smith 13/9/2018 · #99

#98 I lived 15 minutes from the best beaches on the relatively sparsely populated Gold Coast till my mid 20's
so dashboards, gear sticks even back seats weren't really an issue !
Do you remember Sandman Panel Vans @Chris 🐝R Guest ?

Chris 🐝R Guest 13/9/2018 · #98

#97 Paradise by the dashboard light wisdom pechance? @Louise Smith

+2 +2